Erotic Diary Excerpts
My handwritten diaries, Age 7 - present
I started keeping a diary when I was seven years old. At first, it was a way to vent about my friendships and my crushes. My diary entries then morphed into a sort of erotic frustration after the age of twelve, when I started attending evangelical youth retreats where I was told that God wanted me to stay pure for my future husband.
The following diary excerpts (ages 12-14) highlight this frustration of wanting to make God happy and to make out with boys.
1.30.00 (Age 12)
I first saw him at breakfast. The boy at the church retreat that looks like Devon Sawa. I blindly shoved food in my mouth while watching his every move. I also watched his every move at the youth rally, barely paying attention to anything else. He’d take off his hat whenever we’d pray.
At supper we had pasta which was pretty gross, but I didn’t really mind because I was watching Seth the whole time—that’s his name, Seth. I had to be careful because he turned and looked at me a couple times.
Our fourth youth rally was by far the absolute best, and not just because of Seth, although he was a huge part of it. But also because many people cried from the youth leader’s message, even I almost did. It was very inspiring to see guys that young worshipping the Lord through music. In that moment, I committed myself to Christ. And it was then I realized Seth meant more to me than anything, including my crush Devin back home.
I had the strangest feeling inside me during the rally. Like I was lifted up. I never wanted to leave. I prayed to God to open up the sky and take us all away. It was the perfect moment. I wanted to live with Seth for eternity from that moment on. I strongly believe that if I’m meant to be with him, God will make it so.
1.9.01 (Age 13)
I found out today that Avery is in wrestling, and that got me thinking about him using his whole body. He looked great today, and he touched me. (What a perv.) I like to stare at his lips, his butt, his “uhum” front, his arms, and imagine touching all those parts with my body. I don’t let this be known on the outside, but I imagine us REALLY close. Okay, enough of my horniness. Some days I just have the urge to be with a guy. Any guy. To just talk with him, laugh with him, flirt with him, to make him fall for me, for me to fall for him.
2.13.01
I don’t know if this is appropriate, but hey, it’s my diary. I felt really horny all day. I guess this can depend on what “horny” actually feels like. It was the kind of feeling when all I want is for a guy like Avery to touch me all over, to kiss me all over, and talk about naughty things with me. Basically what I get every 8th period, but I actually wanted it today.
3.4.01
Tonight I went to a Creation seminar for youth group. It was boring but worth going to because a cute guy was there. I did my usual fantasizing while the speaker talked up front. I pictured the cute guy coming up to me to say hi—and then making out with him in some corner of the church.
4.9.01
Just because one of my goals is to not get obsessed with having relationships with guys doesn’t mean that’s gonna prevent me from thinking about them 24/7! Come on, I’m a girl! I know it’s wrong, but it’s called hormones for Pete’s sake! I can’t always stop the thoughts—they will come. I just don’t want them to control my life. How can I possibly give up guys while I wait for just the right one? They’re too cute! Aren’t you supposed to date to find out who you’ll marry? Oh Lord! Please keep me from the evils of infatuation!
4.14.01
Whoever “The One” is, I already love him. How magnificent to have one, and only one guy picked out for you by God? He really must be perfect then. I can’t wait – make that, I can wait to meet the guy I’m going to spend the rest of my life with.
5.13.01 (Age 14)
I feel like changing my lifestyle. I want to be more mature, and live the way the Lord wants me to. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t want me to have a crush on five guys all at the same time. If I save myself for “The One,” I’m showing how much I love him. But if I go after many guys, then I’m showing I didn’t care about saving my love for my husband.
8.19.01
All I’ve been able to do today is fantasize. Whether in class or at home or in the car, I’d space off and pick a guy from my mind to imagine being with. In my fantasy we’d find any quiet, private place we could and just fool around. Ooh, that just sounds so good, but I’d probably end up feeling ashamed afterwards. I want a guy so bad now it’s just stupid! I don’t just want a guy to like me. I want a guy to be affectionate with me. Like I’ve said: a guy to touch me, to grab me around the waist, pull me towards him, and kiss me so hard my head hurts. Or at least a guy I can make out like crazy with. I’m looking for something that won’t last.
10.22.01
I’m one of the very few people my age that stays home all weekend. That’s probably a good thing because trouble always finds me when I’m out. I guess you could say I’m one of those party animal-type people, if given the chance, and I thank God I don’t live that lifestyle on a regular basis. Let me tell you I know how to shake it all right, and I can lure guys in. I just choose not to. I try my best to live a teenage Christian life. I’m a sucker for giving in, so I’ve learned to stay away from things I can get sucked into.
11.23.01
Pleasure–in a bad way—has been on my mind a lot lately. Thinking about doing certain things with guys makes me feel so good, you have no idea. But I know it’s wrong and I’m ashamed because thinking impure is just as bad as acting impure in God’s book. But can’t I just blame it on teenage hormones? You know what would be awesome? If my Heath Ledger poster came to life, and we’d start making out. I swear if I were alone with Devin right now I’d attack him so fast he wouldn’t know what hit him. But he’d like it. I know, I sound disgusting (like a guy), but these urges just come over me sometimes and stay for a couple days. Lord, help me stay pure.
